Here In My Struggle

A week or so ago I admitted that I am in need of community. I feel like I have made efforts toward this goal off and on for quite some time. I have managed to have small communities – mom groups, tennis team, small groups, Bible studies – but they have all been for short seasons. I have not managed to hold on to a group where I really feel known and wanted for any real length of time. This does not suit my temperament. I am fiercely loyal, which can cause me to hold on to relationships longer than I’m supposed to, and thrive on deep relationships, which are not built overnight and probably another reason I try to hold on to the ones I’ve built even if the season has passed. It is a bit disheartening when one of these relationship ends (you could call them a best-friend type relationship) because there has been a lot of time and effort and vulnerability and courage poured into it. The thought of starting all over again is daunting and a little frightening. You never truly know if someone is safe for your truth until you offer it.

Anyway, I have been feeling lonely and a little discouraged lately and have been trying to figure out the reason for this current season. I believe that God has a purpose in this but am not sure what it is. This month I have been making plans with others to get together and work on forging stronger, deeper relationships and nearly all of them have had to be cancelled or rescheduled for a variety of reasons. I am thinking that God is behind it.

What is going on God? Are you trying to tell me something? Do I not really need community? Or am I trying to use community to fill something in me that only you can fill? Are you trying to show me that you are enough, that you are all that I truly need? Do I not think that you are enough for me? Are you trying to get me to dig in deeper with you, to seek you more, to become immersed in your word more? Do I need to grow in my intimacy with you? With my spouse? Do I need to be more open with my husband about feelings and struggles and needs? I feel like you and he are the only two relationships that consistently remain right now. I have a couple of meet ups scheduled the next two days and I feel like they are going to be cancelled too unless I can figure out what you’re trying to say. And I know it’s not some great mystery that is difficult to uncover because you enjoy my struggle. There is a holy purpose and I know I will learn it at the right time. Help me to trust you, your plans and your timing. Show me what I am missing. Give me wisdom and clarity. May your purpose be made clear and may you be glorified. Amen.

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5 thoughts on “Here In My Struggle

  1. Ahhhh. Girl…people pleasing and the desire for acceptance. I know it well. Every other day it feels like I am slammed with thoughts of doubt, unworthiness and unacceptance by communities of people in both real life situations and even those “safe places” online. The thing that pulls me out of thus thinking is two fold: knowing who I am in Christ and turning off those voices that tell me anything otherwise… And 2. Making sure I remain vulnerable and transparent with my safe places both in real life (which in my particular season is my husband only right now) and my online safe place (which is the FTL of writing group) even when I am scared I have annoyed them or exasperated them to the point of no return.
    I totally understand that pain of losing the BFF and having to start all over. It IS hard, but oftentimes purposeful for our growth in Christ. When we have “pledged” and made a prayer like “use me Lord” or “empty me of me” he takes us at our word and does. He is incredible like that. During these hard and sometimes unbearable times we lean into him. Having questions of doing? Should I? And why? Are useful for some points, and so.etimea he answers those questions…but I have found his desire is for us to not hold him out at arms length with questions to answer, but his desire is for us to lean in and experience the whiss of answers only heard when we are so close ONLY we can hear…

    Praying for you to lean in. For an experience of his Love in a new and miraculous way…💜

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  2. I appreciate your thoughts and experiences. I do have a couple of safe spaces and am increasing my transparency/vulnerability in them. I am already seeing some of God's goodness and provision in this season. I love him! I'll be sure to check out the blog posts you mentioned below.

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